Recently, I was asked what did I plan on doing with T's hair?
My answer was keep it healthy, in simple styles for now and when it gets long enough, learn to braid it.
No, the questioner wanted to know when I would straighten it (!!) or put extensions in it. When would it not look so "crazy"?
I tried to explain that I would most certainly not damage my daughter's gorgeous curls with chemicals. I love her hair natural and I hope that she will love her hair natural.
The questioner went on to say that "why not? They (meaning black girls) lose their hair at a certain age anyway (??)" I tried to explain that maybe the black girls the questioner knew had bald spots from all of the chemical straighters.....Again, I love my daughter's hair and am doing everything not to damage it.
"But she will look like a freak! Don't let her look like a freak at school! A freak!"
Ok, seriously???!!!
I could hardly contain my anger and sadness.
How could someone say that my daughter, my beautiful, precious daughter with the gorgeous curly hair will look like a freak ?
I could feel the tears welling up. They are welling up again just thinking of this verbal transaction.
It hurts that this person is close to us. I didn't say what I wanted to say because of that. I held back. Because I didn't say what I really wanted to, I feel as though I let T down.
I merely said, "My daughter will not look like a freak with natural hair, she is beautiful."
I left it at that.
I cried myself to sleep last night.
I know this is just one of probably quite a few incidents that will break my heart.
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11 comments:
I had the exact same conversation with a woman at Sally's yesterday. She didn't understand why I was not going to start relaxing her hair right now. She thought that it looked like it took a long time to do her hair and that it couldn't possibly be worth the effort...it was a frustrating conversation....sorry you had one too.
I need a name and a phone number for this person. I'm not close to he/she so I can say whatever I want. One of the reason's T is so beautiful is BECAUSE of her hair. I love it love it love it!
I am sorry you were so upset over someone's insensitive comment.
I wish for my daughter that hair would not be an issue in her identity - there is enough to fulfill.
This post has me re-wanting to read "Hair Story - Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America."
Nancy,
I haven't read that book yet but I will be soon!
Thank you!
What hurt the most for me most was that this person had such disgust in their voice when they were talking about her hair being "natural"...yet they love our daughter. I know it comes from a place of ignorance but it was still shocking & hurtful.
Plus, T was standing right there and I know that she is still young but still!
Sorry, I'm a lurker... But seriously??? The only thing that makes that comment worse is that it IS someone who is close to you. You are such a better person than me to have not said something. I think my head would have popped off!!!
Hair is a matter of preference anyway. I don't tell the woman down the hall with the 80's too tight bang curl that she looks like a freak, do I? Its her style and none of my business.
How rude...
And once again, you don't know me, but just had to put in my two cents.
woh. I'm so sorry to hear of this experience. Hugs to you from stranger here! It is heartbreaking. I had a comment recently from someone re: skin color -- "and he's not black" (and yes he is!! and beautiful and WTF??) I think your response was to the point and classy! I would most likely not been able to keep my cool -- especially with the "disgust" in the voice!! What kind of rocketscience is it to not speak to someone about their child with disgust in their voice regardless of subject?? Duh! You are right - there will be plenty more; and, we'll just have to cry together!
Just happened upon your blog. Her hair is beautiful and is even more so bc her mommy cares to learn how to care for and style it with love.
Ignorance is very hurtful. I don't know you but you get a blog *hug* from me! Your daughter is SO beautiful!
my comment isn't here! I've been thinking about this a lot this week. If this person is close to you-- should you let them know how you feel after hearing that? It wouldn't be easy but might bring you some peace and let them know how their thoughts affect their relationship with T. Either way-- you rule as a mom and we live in constant hair envy of T.
I can NOT even belive someone said something so awful. I think T's hair is amazing and I am sure it will continue to be just as beautiful.
The most hurtful comment I have had so far in our adoption journey came from someone really close to me and I had to hold back what I really wanted to say it sucks!!!
No more tears over ignorent people k!!!
Thank you everyone for your wonderful, supportive comments :) I have decided not to address "The Incident" with the person responsible for making the remarks. I will, however, be more brave & have a discussion should anything like this occur again. This person truly loves T and they honestly seem/are very ignorant-they watch Fox news for godsakes!
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