I've been having a hard time with Tiny's birthday quickly approaching. All I can think about is her Mom and what she must be feeling with her daughter's 1st birthday so close. I also can't stop thinking about what this time last year was like for her. Was she uncomfortable? Was she scared? Was she alone? Who was with her? Who was taking care of her? Did she know that she wouldn't be raising her daughter? All of these questions I can't shake. The thing is, I don't really want to shake them. I just want to know the answers.
I've mentioned my "blah-ness" to a handful of people (who aren't adoptive parents) and I get the same response. "Oh, you'll forget about this." "You'll forget about her and move on." "Would you even want to maintain contact?" "Wouldn't that be confusing for your daughter?" "What if your daughter doesn't want to maintain contact with her?" Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!! I just want to scream!!!
I know that this stupid change with the US Consulars Office (read this for more explanation-D does a much better job at it than I could ever do) is making things worse for me this week. If I knew that I could just jot down a quick little note on how wonderful our daughter is doing and what a joy she is and here are some photos from her party, look at all of the people that love her so much and pop it in the mail, maybe this week would be easier for me.
Don't worry those of you who will be at her party-I will be happy, I will be very happy! How could I not? My baby is turning the big 0-1, but my heart may be a little heavy that day.
Oh, I am so going out for a martini tonight.
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4 comments:
I completely relate to everything. I felt the same way (and still do). I kept trying to figure out a way to honor Micah's birthmom on his birthday... And, I agree about the CIS stuff. I did send one letter, but I don't think it made it to her before the rules changed.
Anyway - I'm glad you posted this - it's good to know other people have the same feelings.
i'm still days away from our referral and I already feel this way. of all the things i'm nervous about with the adoption-this is #1. i feel for you. i feel for tiny's mom. maybe her mom is thinking of the joy that nora will feel on her first birthday and that will bring a smile to her face and ease some of the pain. good luck and suck down that martini!
I am right there with you. Right after the holidays this winter, all I could think about was the intense loss s. mom must feel and I couldn't shake this sorrow I had. I don't know how you come to find peace with this- maybe just time? You should find comfort in knowing she (t's birthmom) was able to look you in the eyes and know how much you were/are going to love her.
sarah r.
Thanks guys for all of your support!
I knew going into this that birthdays were going to be hard but gosh, I guess you really don't know how hard until you're in the thick of it.
I am grateful that were able to meet her Mom and I hope that her meeting us is in some way comforting to her.
Stacie-we are also thinking of ways to honor her mom on her birthday. I think we will just talk about her and look at pictures and pick flowers (ok, buy flowers since it's March) for her.
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